Powerless…

31 Dec

For me, the admission of powerlessness is easy. Especially when the unmanageability is staring me straight in the eyes. Why is it so easy to SEE that my life is unmanageable, yet so difficult to change? Why is it so difficult to turn over to God something that is poisonous to my spiritual well being?

I know that the answer, for me, is very clearly that my priorities are out of order. According to my Pastor, Craig Groeschel, in his book Going All the Way, God should be our number one, our spouse number two. Though my heart wants to love God first and above all else and I have given good lip service to my love for God, when it comes right down to it, He is rarely the ONE who is my number one. When God is not first, I easily succumb to my sinful nature.

So, why am I surprised when things are crazy? And another thought… loving God and trusting him doesn’t free us from the possibility of heartache. In fact, I think the idea is that we will face heartache and when we are faced with difficult situations, we are to throw our worries and fears and even our sadness at the feet of our loving and glorious Creator. Many of us, though, act like little children who wait until we have made a complete mess out of things and then go running to our Father after we have tried EVERYTHING we can think of to control or fix the unmanageable situation that we have created. Rarely do we run toward God in the beginning.

I have spent so much time and energy focused on the negative impact other’s behavior has had on me that I have failed to take any of it to God. I have, instead, wallowed in the muck and cried that I am now dirty. I have failed to attend 12 step meetings. I have failed to seek loving guidance of a spiritual advisor.

I believe that another part of my problem has been denial. I have been in denial about certain issues and suddenly found myself in over my head. Now I am in deep and don’t even feel the willingness to do anything about it. I am like a sick alcoholic who sees that she’s in the pit, yet doesn’t feel the strength to move out of the pit, and may even be enjoying the warmth and atmosphere of the pit.

So, in reference to step one, I do admit that I am powerless and that my life has become unmanageable. I see that I am unhappy and dissatisfied overall with my circumstances. I feel like my dreams and passions are stifled. I feel discouraged. I am bored. I am ashamed of my behavior.

The real question for me is… “HAVE I HIT BOTTOM YET?” I’m just not sure.

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