H. A. L. T.

3 Jan

Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired…

Four words that, separately, are fairly easy to deal with, but when two or more of them are present at the same time… WATCH OUT! Lately, I have experienced intermittent combinations of all of them, but have been incredibly overwhelmed with one of these words.

LONELINESS

 

This one is the killer. I don’t do well with loneliness. Truth be told, I am not even sure if there has ever been a time where I didn’t feel lonely. My entire life, I have been on the outside looking in or hiding in my corner watching everyone else have fun. Of course, ultimately, I know that most of the reason I FEEL so lonely has much to do with my level of expectations and/or my idea of what the opposite of lonely should look like.

I have this idea of what friendships should be like:

1. Friend A has something good/bad happen and calls friend B to share.
Friend B shares in the joy/listens through the pain with friend A.

2. Friend B wants to go see a new movie that just came out and calls friend A.
Friend A, friend B, and possibly other friends make plans to get together for the movie.

3. Friend A calls friend B just to say hi.
Friend B and friend A catch up about the last week.

4. Friend B starts making stupid decisions and friend A lovingly confronts friend B.
Friend A considers friend B’s confrontation and openly discusses the issues.

ETC, ETC… I wish I had that.

Maybe one of the loneliest times is when that’s missing in my marriage. Granted, I didn’t pick the most emotionally available person on the planet to be my spouse, but seriously. Most of the time, in my household, I feel like the maid and the nanny. I wonder sometimes if any of them know me. And then the old tapes start playing and I wonder if BECAUSE they know me is why they don’t seem interested.

I realize that I place too much importance on how people respond to me. If the response is poor, I assume they think the worst of me. That’s a big trap for me. I know that I should be getting my self worth from what God says about me and what I know to be TRUTH about me. I crave human contact and interaction, but then when I actually have a little of that, I don’t know how to process it. Man… my head is so jumbled up with… sadness, loneliness, fear, pain, depression. I’m really struggling to work through this.

I know I am supposed to insert some great line of scripture here… Here’s the one I always turn to:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

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