Secrets Keep Us Sick…

5 Jan

Let me just begin today by saying GOD IS GOOD, ALL THE TIME!

I had a pretty good day yesterday in spite of the spontaneous moments of tears and difficulty answering my work line because of emotion that randomly welled up inside me. God is at work inside and I can feel it. That’s not to say that everything I feel is good, because it isn’t. In fact, much of it is quite painful. However, I am hanging on to the truth that “Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh.” Luke 6:21 and “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4.

Once I arrived back in Guthrie, I picked up my husband and drove to the store for some grocery shopping. I was shopping for Daniel Fast appropriate foods and food for the rest of the family. Typically, grocery shopping is not something my husband and I do well together, but he was very supportive and helpful in my effort to read through ingredient labels and find food for my fast. Our time together was pretty light hearted and even playful.

After dinner, things got much more serious, spawned by our 14 year old’s expression of how she was frustrated and overwhelmed by school and feeling like she gets “griped at” by her dad every moment of the day and that she has no down time where she can just relax physically and emotionally. The conversation quickly took a turn for the serious when I confronted him on certain behaviors that seem to be a daily source of stress for all of us in the house and proceeded to explain how his negativity and constant lecturing have produced an environment that I find hard to come home to. He said nothing.

I took a break and went to clean up the mess from dinner and gather my thoughts. I returned a few minutes later, leaned in to my husband and told him, “I love you and I am trying to learn how to be a better wife and I’m sorry that I haven’t done very good at that.” He looked at me with a confused look and said, “You’re scaring me, what’s up?” And then I told him…

“I have been seriously considering having an affair… and we have to do something soon.”

BOMBSHELL… he never saw that one coming. I think perhaps because for him, an affair would have been only about sex, and because of the abuse I went through as a child, that has never been something incredibly important to me. For me, it would have been primarily about feeling desired, being passionate with someone, excitement, attention, and escape.

His face went blank.

I could almost see his brain desperately trying to process the confession I had just made. Silence blanketed the next 30 minutes as I frantically cleaned, attempting to catch my breath and he sat… just sat there, motionless.

I do not BLAME him for my escape into the world of adultery. Responsibility belongs solely to me. However, we both have ownership for the condition of our marriage. Eventually, we moved to the bedroom for a private conversation. I told him, during our discussion, that I felt like I was living with an active alcoholic and that I have been behaving like a sick co-dependent making excuses for his behavior with the family, apologizing for his mood swings, and playing referee between him and the kids. I have been incredibly lonely and felt emotionally abandoned. Instead of turning to God… I turned to men.

So why is our marriage suffering? GOD IS NOT NUMBER ONE. Until we, as a family, put GOD first, we will continue to struggle and be weak.

We both agree that marriage counseling and individual counseling with someone from our Church is in order. Today, I feel a sense of hope. I am no longer carrying the secret of adulterous thinking or behavior and I see how God is already blessing us. The pain I feel is lessening. I am focused on putting GOD FIRST. I am being intentional about developing relationships with women who will hold me accountable and speak God’s truth into my life.

Although I had no intention of confessing to my husband, God provided an opportunity and willingness to be honest and forthcoming. Secrets keep me sick, but the TRUTH has set me free. I am excited to see what amazing things God will do next.

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