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Never Thought It Would Happen To Me…

14 Apr

I didn’t give my permission; I didn’t want anything to do with it. I had been angry about it for years and even publicly rejected the idea. I was certain that this would NEVER EVER happen to me. I couldn’t have been more wrong or further from the truth…

Tonight is just one of those nights where I find myself overwhelmed with how richly God has blessed me. Twenty-one years ago, shortly after I quit drinking and using drugs, I was a passenger in a car with a friend. We were on our way to a 12-step conference in Dallas, Texas. I remember saying to him that I really wanted to do (something specific) and commented about how sad I was that I would never be able to do that thing. He looked at me and said, “You are 15 years old. So, what if it took you 20 years to do that? You’d be… 35 years old? Big Deal!”

I remember feeling dead, and so… OLD. Literally, I had forgotten that I was only a 15 year old girl. The life that I had lived up to that point had caused me to age very quickly mentally and emotionally, and yet had stunted my mental and emotional growth at the same time! The realization that I could accomplish something was a truly incredible thought to me at that moment!

Although I began living with a little more fervor that day, something inside of me was still dead. I searched in some truly dark places for something, anything that would awaken that dead part of my soul… but to no avail.

After experiencing Satanic ritual and sexual abuse as a teenager in my Father’s home and occult recruiting and activity (from a still practicing Satanist who claimed redemption through Christ) in the church I had run to, I completely rejected the idea of God and wanted nothing at all to do with anything spiritual. I convinced myself that I was an atheist. I put a lot of time and energy into letting the rest of the world know that I didn’t believe any of that “crap” and that they were stupid to buy into any of it either.

BIG SURPRISE that I was suicidal, desperately miserable and teetering on the edge of  destruction all over again. I lived in a constant state of pain, stone cold SOBER, until 6 years ago. Six years ago, God delivered me from the suicidal and spiritually bankrupt disaster of a person I had become and began to change me into a woman that I am finally NOT ashamed to be. I have been washed clean by the blood of Christ and am being constantly used by the Creator of the Universe, for His Glory. God, thank You for Your MERCY and forgiveness. I am not ashamed to call myself a follower of Jesus Christ and make no apologies for it. I strive to live my life in a way that honors God, and though I am a sinner and FAR from perfect, I am a beautiful MASTERPIECE being molded and shaped by the Master’s hands.

I didn’t give my permission and I didn’t want anything to do with God… until that very moment that God touched me and His love and His truth EXPLODED inside my heart. I am forever changed.

Luke 12:48 …From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.

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A Closer Look…

2 Feb

Sometimes, I don’t even recognize the girl I think I am. I think I am different… not different than “people” just different than I was. In some ways, good… in others, it’s questionable.

Do I like the things I like because I find them worthy of my time and energy? Or is it possible that I give these things value because you do? If you are no longer a part of my life, what is left of me? Do I exist without you… without your permission?

I used to believe that I needed permission from you to breathe in and out… that without you, my existence was pointless. I was a victim. I was a volunteer hostage. I needed you to define me. I am not angry with you. I played along. I offered myself up as a human sacrifice to your games. I was a participant in the chaos. I needed to be helpless and weak.

Not anymore…

Walking the halls of my mind, I discover new and intriguing facts about myself. The woman I thought I was, is not who I am. I do not need others to define me. Other’s acceptance of me is not a prerequisite for my own self-acceptance. What you think of me is none of my business.

I crave intimacy. I don’t need it to define me, but I really enjoy being close to people. It feels good to have someone that truly knows every detail about me, the secrets I keep from the rest of the world… the good, the bad, and the ugly. … someone I don’t have to apologize to for what I think and feel… someone I don’t have to wear a mask with.

I no longer need to believe the lie that who I am and what I feel is inferior… or wrong. I no longer need to deny any of who I am. I accept the woman I have become. I am passionate. I am interesting. I am intelligent. I am exciting. I am sexual. I am sensual. I am creative. I am gentle. I am strong. I am sensitive. Sometimes I am weak. Sometimes I am aggressive. Sometimes I want to control. Sometimes I want to control NOTHING. Sometimes I just want to be right. Sometimes I just want to be HAPPY. In all things, I hope to experience joy and bring joy to others. I am human. I will make mistakes. I am… ME. No phony… no BS. There is so much good in me, but only a choice few will have the pleasure of knowing the real woman that lies within.

It Breaks My Heart…

30 Jan

Thursday morning, a friend called me. I haven’t really spoken to her much over the last few years. We kind of lost touch. At the beginning of her phone call, she said, “I didn’t know who to call that could help me with this…” and then she proceeded to tell me that her husband’s teenage daughter had just admitted during a counseling session to being sexually assaulted by a family friend over the span of a few years.

I told my friend how she and her husband needed to proceed to help their daughter, both legally and emotionally. I also made myself available to talk to their daughter if she needed to talk to someone about the abuse and to help prepare her for the court process since she wants to file charges against her perpetrator.

While I am very glad that I was the ONE person that my friend thought of to call for guidance… It just breaks my heart to know that another girl is suffering through such difficult circumstances. My heart aches for the life that will be FOREVER changed… for the damage done. My heart breaks for the man who is so screwed up inside that can justify sexually assaulting an innocent little girl FOR YEARS. My heart aches for the sister that is still too afraid to admit the sexual abuse she also suffered because of this man. My heart breaks for the parents who are suffering with the powerlessness that comes from the pain their children are facing.

But here is the good news… God is SO MUCH BIGGER than this man. God is bigger than the ABUSE. God is bigger than the DAMAGE. God can RESTORE… God can HEAL… God can use this AWFUL thing and bless ALL OF THEM through it… even the perpetrator.

Going through the court process against my father when I was 15 was one of the most difficult things that I ever experienced. At 15, I could barely muster the energy to breath… I never thought for a moment that I would ever feel OK again. Today, almost 20 years later, I am so much more than OK. God took my awful situation and blessed me in so many different ways. Today I can say that I am grateful for every moment in my life, including the abuse, because of how I have been blessed and been able to help other women.

My prayer for both the victims and the perpetrator is that God will restore them… That God will come into the weak and damaged places and be strong for them. Father forgive him and bless the girls. Use this tragedy for YOUR GLORY.

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