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Just Because I “FEEL” It…

28 Jan

…doesn’t make it TRUE.

That is a tough statement for the average woman. Is that true for men? I don’t know. I suspect that, typically speaking, men have a tendency to react in response to their perception of the facts rather than to their feelings. Women, on the other hand, tend to react primarily based on what we are feeling.

I am learning more and more every day that I have to pay attention to what I am feeling, but evaluate and compare those feelings and thoughts with the TRUTH. I feel and think many things that are flat out lies. Lies I tell myself, lies I have been told by people who have sought to do harm, and lies gently whispered by the FATHER OF LIES. The enemy knows my weaknesses and will use every opportunity to tear me down… to steal, kill, and destroy.

In our women’s bible study tonight, one of the topics was “What has the enemy stolen from me? What has been damaged in me as a result of believing the lies?” God is amazing and always gives me new opportunities for personal growth. I am grateful for this reminder that JUST BECAUSE I FEEL IT, DOESN’T MAKE IT TRUE.

What lies have you allowed yourself to believe?

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A Wonderful Day…

10 Jan

Saturday was a great day. Though it was full of different emotions ranging from sad to ecstatic, I am grateful for each of them. The following is a run down of my day:

My husband and I left the house around 11:00 am and drove to the bank and then on to Best Buy. As a result of the credit card debt we racked up last year, we had LOTS of points available to use for whatever we wanted. My husband turned those bad boys into Best Buy gift cards totaling $125.

So we arrived at Best Buy, which typically for me is not an enjoyable experience. I think there is just too much visual stimulation in that place and I usually get stressed out when I’m there. But not this time! Oh I wish I had had a video recorder of some type. We were standing in the section where the iPods and headphones are displayed. There was a teenage Asian girl testing one particular head phone brand and she was DANCING and SINGING like crazy, “Go Shorty, it’s ya birfday, we gon’ party like it’s ya birfday!” I couldn’t help but watch her. She was so freakin’ cute and absolutely oblivious to the attention she was getting. From now on, I will be taking a video recorder of some sort with me wherever I go.

Earlier in the week, we made an appointment with one of the Pastors, Randall Spindle, from Westminster Presbyterian Church for marriage counseling. We went to Randall’s office with him and sat down. For those of you that have ever been through marriage counseling, the moments leading up to the start of a counseling session are almost overwhelming… the anticipation of what will happen, what will be said.

I started things off with the truth that I had been seriously considering and planning an affair. Let’s just look right at that BIG WHITE ELEPHANT in the room. I didn’t want to ignore that, because I know that had I actually followed through with that desire, I would have destroyed my marriage.

Randall asked us what some qualities were that we fell in love with the other for in the beginning and asked us to LOOK at each other when we said it. (Why was looking so hard?) I told Philip that the number one thing that I fell I love with about him was his sense of humor and how much he made me laugh. I can remember days where my face literally hurt because I had been smiling and laughing so much after being around him. The next thing was how gentle he was with me and how he made me feel very safe. I had never really felt “safe” with a man before him. Philip told me that he liked how great of a mother I was and how compassionate I am with people and how I always want to help people, even when he doesn’t see why I would help them. Wow… that surprised me, because I thought that was something he didn’t like about me based on his past comments.

We had a few moments where we were both frustrated and moments where I was crying and he just looked irritated, but Randall was great with us. He promised to work this week to find a licensed Christian counselor for us. The best part was that we were able to walk out of Randall’s office actually touching each other. I was holding his arm, and he was responding to me. It was difficult, but it was obvious that we were both willing to do whatever we needed to do to heal our marriage. God is Good.

So, we left the church and headed to get my Gramma’s medicine in Choctaw. $170 for one month of Plavix because Medicare had wrongly canceled her coverage. I dropped off the medicine to Gramma and headed back to Guthrie to get showered and dressed for the OKC Tea Party Concert Fundraiser at the Coca Cola Events Center. I didn’t think I would make it there by 5:30, but I did get there on time and was able to help out with a few different projects during the night.

The turn out was wonderful. I met several people that I am friends with on facebook for the first time. It was great to spend time with them face to face, be able to see their expressions, hear their voice. I also met Senator Randy Brogdon and had the opportunity to introduce several people to him. I met Tiffany and John and have made plans with them to go to the campaign headquarters on Monday after work to assist with some phone calls. I am really looking forward to supporting Senator Brogdon in his campaign for Governor of Oklahoma. I would like to suggest that everyone check out his website and read where he stands on each issue and compare it to what you believe. He has a big challenge ahead of him since Mary Fallin has name recognition and more financial backing. I won one of the limited edition framed prints from the raffle last night which was kinda neat since I never win anything.

The drive home was nice. I spent the time reflecting on the spirit and excitement of the people I spent the evening with. I arrived home, ate a little dinner, caught up on facebook, and then actually slept in the bed with my husband. I have been sleeping on the couch for the last year. Some of the reasoning for that was because the bed isn’t great on my back, but also because we have just been so distant that it felt awkward to sleep together. I laid down in bed and just as I was falling to sleep, I heard my husband shouting “no, No, NO!” from his sleep. I rolled over and rubbed his back to wake him from his bad dream. He rolled to me and told me about his dream and then… ready for this? He wrapped both of his arms around me tightly and held me like it was the first time he had ever held me. I held him tightly back and we laid there forever in a tight embrace. He told me, “I love you SO much.” He said things to me that I have longed to hear from him.

Well, I won’t go into the details of the next hour, but let’s just suffice it to say that the next hour was amazing and incredibly passionate. An answered prayer for sure.

God is VERY Good.

H. A. L. T.

3 Jan

Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired…

Four words that, separately, are fairly easy to deal with, but when two or more of them are present at the same time… WATCH OUT! Lately, I have experienced intermittent combinations of all of them, but have been incredibly overwhelmed with one of these words.

LONELINESS

 

This one is the killer. I don’t do well with loneliness. Truth be told, I am not even sure if there has ever been a time where I didn’t feel lonely. My entire life, I have been on the outside looking in or hiding in my corner watching everyone else have fun. Of course, ultimately, I know that most of the reason I FEEL so lonely has much to do with my level of expectations and/or my idea of what the opposite of lonely should look like.

I have this idea of what friendships should be like:

1. Friend A has something good/bad happen and calls friend B to share.
Friend B shares in the joy/listens through the pain with friend A.

2. Friend B wants to go see a new movie that just came out and calls friend A.
Friend A, friend B, and possibly other friends make plans to get together for the movie.

3. Friend A calls friend B just to say hi.
Friend B and friend A catch up about the last week.

4. Friend B starts making stupid decisions and friend A lovingly confronts friend B.
Friend A considers friend B’s confrontation and openly discusses the issues.

ETC, ETC… I wish I had that.

Maybe one of the loneliest times is when that’s missing in my marriage. Granted, I didn’t pick the most emotionally available person on the planet to be my spouse, but seriously. Most of the time, in my household, I feel like the maid and the nanny. I wonder sometimes if any of them know me. And then the old tapes start playing and I wonder if BECAUSE they know me is why they don’t seem interested.

I realize that I place too much importance on how people respond to me. If the response is poor, I assume they think the worst of me. That’s a big trap for me. I know that I should be getting my self worth from what God says about me and what I know to be TRUTH about me. I crave human contact and interaction, but then when I actually have a little of that, I don’t know how to process it. Man… my head is so jumbled up with… sadness, loneliness, fear, pain, depression. I’m really struggling to work through this.

I know I am supposed to insert some great line of scripture here… Here’s the one I always turn to:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

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