Tag Archives: Husbands

Forgiveness…

23 Feb

Nothing soothes me like your touch…
I hate how vulnerable you make me…
Does this kiss feel like the kiss of someone that doesn’t love you?
Does this embrace feel like the embrace of someone who isn’t attracted to you?
You are MY wife…
Your heart belongs to me and no one else.

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A Wonderful Day…

10 Jan

Saturday was a great day. Though it was full of different emotions ranging from sad to ecstatic, I am grateful for each of them. The following is a run down of my day:

My husband and I left the house around 11:00 am and drove to the bank and then on to Best Buy. As a result of the credit card debt we racked up last year, we had LOTS of points available to use for whatever we wanted. My husband turned those bad boys into Best Buy gift cards totaling $125.

So we arrived at Best Buy, which typically for me is not an enjoyable experience. I think there is just too much visual stimulation in that place and I usually get stressed out when I’m there. But not this time! Oh I wish I had had a video recorder of some type. We were standing in the section where the iPods and headphones are displayed. There was a teenage Asian girl testing one particular head phone brand and she was DANCING and SINGING like crazy, “Go Shorty, it’s ya birfday, we gon’ party like it’s ya birfday!” I couldn’t help but watch her. She was so freakin’ cute and absolutely oblivious to the attention she was getting. From now on, I will be taking a video recorder of some sort with me wherever I go.

Earlier in the week, we made an appointment with one of the Pastors, Randall Spindle, from Westminster Presbyterian Church for marriage counseling. We went to Randall’s office with him and sat down. For those of you that have ever been through marriage counseling, the moments leading up to the start of a counseling session are almost overwhelming… the anticipation of what will happen, what will be said.

I started things off with the truth that I had been seriously considering and planning an affair. Let’s just look right at that BIG WHITE ELEPHANT in the room. I didn’t want to ignore that, because I know that had I actually followed through with that desire, I would have destroyed my marriage.

Randall asked us what some qualities were that we fell in love with the other for in the beginning and asked us to LOOK at each other when we said it. (Why was looking so hard?) I told Philip that the number one thing that I fell I love with about him was his sense of humor and how much he made me laugh. I can remember days where my face literally hurt because I had been smiling and laughing so much after being around him. The next thing was how gentle he was with me and how he made me feel very safe. I had never really felt “safe” with a man before him. Philip told me that he liked how great of a mother I was and how compassionate I am with people and how I always want to help people, even when he doesn’t see why I would help them. Wow… that surprised me, because I thought that was something he didn’t like about me based on his past comments.

We had a few moments where we were both frustrated and moments where I was crying and he just looked irritated, but Randall was great with us. He promised to work this week to find a licensed Christian counselor for us. The best part was that we were able to walk out of Randall’s office actually touching each other. I was holding his arm, and he was responding to me. It was difficult, but it was obvious that we were both willing to do whatever we needed to do to heal our marriage. God is Good.

So, we left the church and headed to get my Gramma’s medicine in Choctaw. $170 for one month of Plavix because Medicare had wrongly canceled her coverage. I dropped off the medicine to Gramma and headed back to Guthrie to get showered and dressed for the OKC Tea Party Concert Fundraiser at the Coca Cola Events Center. I didn’t think I would make it there by 5:30, but I did get there on time and was able to help out with a few different projects during the night.

The turn out was wonderful. I met several people that I am friends with on facebook for the first time. It was great to spend time with them face to face, be able to see their expressions, hear their voice. I also met Senator Randy Brogdon and had the opportunity to introduce several people to him. I met Tiffany and John and have made plans with them to go to the campaign headquarters on Monday after work to assist with some phone calls. I am really looking forward to supporting Senator Brogdon in his campaign for Governor of Oklahoma. I would like to suggest that everyone check out his website and read where he stands on each issue and compare it to what you believe. He has a big challenge ahead of him since Mary Fallin has name recognition and more financial backing. I won one of the limited edition framed prints from the raffle last night which was kinda neat since I never win anything.

The drive home was nice. I spent the time reflecting on the spirit and excitement of the people I spent the evening with. I arrived home, ate a little dinner, caught up on facebook, and then actually slept in the bed with my husband. I have been sleeping on the couch for the last year. Some of the reasoning for that was because the bed isn’t great on my back, but also because we have just been so distant that it felt awkward to sleep together. I laid down in bed and just as I was falling to sleep, I heard my husband shouting “no, No, NO!” from his sleep. I rolled over and rubbed his back to wake him from his bad dream. He rolled to me and told me about his dream and then… ready for this? He wrapped both of his arms around me tightly and held me like it was the first time he had ever held me. I held him tightly back and we laid there forever in a tight embrace. He told me, “I love you SO much.” He said things to me that I have longed to hear from him.

Well, I won’t go into the details of the next hour, but let’s just suffice it to say that the next hour was amazing and incredibly passionate. An answered prayer for sure.

God is VERY Good.

Secrets Keep Us Sick…

5 Jan

Let me just begin today by saying GOD IS GOOD, ALL THE TIME!

I had a pretty good day yesterday in spite of the spontaneous moments of tears and difficulty answering my work line because of emotion that randomly welled up inside me. God is at work inside and I can feel it. That’s not to say that everything I feel is good, because it isn’t. In fact, much of it is quite painful. However, I am hanging on to the truth that “Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh.” Luke 6:21 and “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4.

Once I arrived back in Guthrie, I picked up my husband and drove to the store for some grocery shopping. I was shopping for Daniel Fast appropriate foods and food for the rest of the family. Typically, grocery shopping is not something my husband and I do well together, but he was very supportive and helpful in my effort to read through ingredient labels and find food for my fast. Our time together was pretty light hearted and even playful.

After dinner, things got much more serious, spawned by our 14 year old’s expression of how she was frustrated and overwhelmed by school and feeling like she gets “griped at” by her dad every moment of the day and that she has no down time where she can just relax physically and emotionally. The conversation quickly took a turn for the serious when I confronted him on certain behaviors that seem to be a daily source of stress for all of us in the house and proceeded to explain how his negativity and constant lecturing have produced an environment that I find hard to come home to. He said nothing.

I took a break and went to clean up the mess from dinner and gather my thoughts. I returned a few minutes later, leaned in to my husband and told him, “I love you and I am trying to learn how to be a better wife and I’m sorry that I haven’t done very good at that.” He looked at me with a confused look and said, “You’re scaring me, what’s up?” And then I told him…

“I have been seriously considering having an affair… and we have to do something soon.”

BOMBSHELL… he never saw that one coming. I think perhaps because for him, an affair would have been only about sex, and because of the abuse I went through as a child, that has never been something incredibly important to me. For me, it would have been primarily about feeling desired, being passionate with someone, excitement, attention, and escape.

His face went blank.

I could almost see his brain desperately trying to process the confession I had just made. Silence blanketed the next 30 minutes as I frantically cleaned, attempting to catch my breath and he sat… just sat there, motionless.

I do not BLAME him for my escape into the world of adultery. Responsibility belongs solely to me. However, we both have ownership for the condition of our marriage. Eventually, we moved to the bedroom for a private conversation. I told him, during our discussion, that I felt like I was living with an active alcoholic and that I have been behaving like a sick co-dependent making excuses for his behavior with the family, apologizing for his mood swings, and playing referee between him and the kids. I have been incredibly lonely and felt emotionally abandoned. Instead of turning to God… I turned to men.

So why is our marriage suffering? GOD IS NOT NUMBER ONE. Until we, as a family, put GOD first, we will continue to struggle and be weak.

We both agree that marriage counseling and individual counseling with someone from our Church is in order. Today, I feel a sense of hope. I am no longer carrying the secret of adulterous thinking or behavior and I see how God is already blessing us. The pain I feel is lessening. I am focused on putting GOD FIRST. I am being intentional about developing relationships with women who will hold me accountable and speak God’s truth into my life.

Although I had no intention of confessing to my husband, God provided an opportunity and willingness to be honest and forthcoming. Secrets keep me sick, but the TRUTH has set me free. I am excited to see what amazing things God will do next.

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