Tag Archives: Innocence

20 Random Things I’m Grateful For…

22 Mar

1. My cousin that is still innocent enough to play in the sand

2. Forgiveness received from a gracious God

3. Wisdom that comes from tragedy

4. Answered prayers

5. When the answer is sometimes “NO”

6. Willingness to change

7. The understanding that being victimized and being a victim are two different things

8. Reminders of how far I’ve come

9. The gift of Motherhood

10. The love of my husband

11. Every time my Gramma cries when she tells a stranger how much I mean to her

12. Little girls who still have a natural smile

13. Toes in the sand

14. A roof over my head and food in the cabinets

15. My oldest daughter’s ability to express herself through art

16. My youngest daughter’s passion for music

17. My Pastor, Craig Groeschel and his passion for Jesus and how he challenges us

18. My job and the awesome people I am blessed to work with

19. The unwavering love of a puppy

20. Q-tips

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A Closer Look…

2 Feb

Sometimes, I don’t even recognize the girl I think I am. I think I am different… not different than “people” just different than I was. In some ways, good… in others, it’s questionable.

Do I like the things I like because I find them worthy of my time and energy? Or is it possible that I give these things value because you do? If you are no longer a part of my life, what is left of me? Do I exist without you… without your permission?

I used to believe that I needed permission from you to breathe in and out… that without you, my existence was pointless. I was a victim. I was a volunteer hostage. I needed you to define me. I am not angry with you. I played along. I offered myself up as a human sacrifice to your games. I was a participant in the chaos. I needed to be helpless and weak.

Not anymore…

Walking the halls of my mind, I discover new and intriguing facts about myself. The woman I thought I was, is not who I am. I do not need others to define me. Other’s acceptance of me is not a prerequisite for my own self-acceptance. What you think of me is none of my business.

I crave intimacy. I don’t need it to define me, but I really enjoy being close to people. It feels good to have someone that truly knows every detail about me, the secrets I keep from the rest of the world… the good, the bad, and the ugly. … someone I don’t have to apologize to for what I think and feel… someone I don’t have to wear a mask with.

I no longer need to believe the lie that who I am and what I feel is inferior… or wrong. I no longer need to deny any of who I am. I accept the woman I have become. I am passionate. I am interesting. I am intelligent. I am exciting. I am sexual. I am sensual. I am creative. I am gentle. I am strong. I am sensitive. Sometimes I am weak. Sometimes I am aggressive. Sometimes I want to control. Sometimes I want to control NOTHING. Sometimes I just want to be right. Sometimes I just want to be HAPPY. In all things, I hope to experience joy and bring joy to others. I am human. I will make mistakes. I am… ME. No phony… no BS. There is so much good in me, but only a choice few will have the pleasure of knowing the real woman that lies within.

It Breaks My Heart…

30 Jan

Thursday morning, a friend called me. I haven’t really spoken to her much over the last few years. We kind of lost touch. At the beginning of her phone call, she said, “I didn’t know who to call that could help me with this…” and then she proceeded to tell me that her husband’s teenage daughter had just admitted during a counseling session to being sexually assaulted by a family friend over the span of a few years.

I told my friend how she and her husband needed to proceed to help their daughter, both legally and emotionally. I also made myself available to talk to their daughter if she needed to talk to someone about the abuse and to help prepare her for the court process since she wants to file charges against her perpetrator.

While I am very glad that I was the ONE person that my friend thought of to call for guidance… It just breaks my heart to know that another girl is suffering through such difficult circumstances. My heart aches for the life that will be FOREVER changed… for the damage done. My heart breaks for the man who is so screwed up inside that can justify sexually assaulting an innocent little girl FOR YEARS. My heart aches for the sister that is still too afraid to admit the sexual abuse she also suffered because of this man. My heart breaks for the parents who are suffering with the powerlessness that comes from the pain their children are facing.

But here is the good news… God is SO MUCH BIGGER than this man. God is bigger than the ABUSE. God is bigger than the DAMAGE. God can RESTORE… God can HEAL… God can use this AWFUL thing and bless ALL OF THEM through it… even the perpetrator.

Going through the court process against my father when I was 15 was one of the most difficult things that I ever experienced. At 15, I could barely muster the energy to breath… I never thought for a moment that I would ever feel OK again. Today, almost 20 years later, I am so much more than OK. God took my awful situation and blessed me in so many different ways. Today I can say that I am grateful for every moment in my life, including the abuse, because of how I have been blessed and been able to help other women.

My prayer for both the victims and the perpetrator is that God will restore them… That God will come into the weak and damaged places and be strong for them. Father forgive him and bless the girls. Use this tragedy for YOUR GLORY.

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