Tag Archives: Lies

A Closer Look…

2 Feb

Sometimes, I don’t even recognize the girl I think I am. I think I am different… not different than “people” just different than I was. In some ways, good… in others, it’s questionable.

Do I like the things I like because I find them worthy of my time and energy? Or is it possible that I give these things value because you do? If you are no longer a part of my life, what is left of me? Do I exist without you… without your permission?

I used to believe that I needed permission from you to breathe in and out… that without you, my existence was pointless. I was a victim. I was a volunteer hostage. I needed you to define me. I am not angry with you. I played along. I offered myself up as a human sacrifice to your games. I was a participant in the chaos. I needed to be helpless and weak.

Not anymore…

Walking the halls of my mind, I discover new and intriguing facts about myself. The woman I thought I was, is not who I am. I do not need others to define me. Other’s acceptance of me is not a prerequisite for my own self-acceptance. What you think of me is none of my business.

I crave intimacy. I don’t need it to define me, but I really enjoy being close to people. It feels good to have someone that truly knows every detail about me, the secrets I keep from the rest of the world… the good, the bad, and the ugly. … someone I don’t have to apologize to for what I think and feel… someone I don’t have to wear a mask with.

I no longer need to believe the lie that who I am and what I feel is inferior… or wrong. I no longer need to deny any of who I am. I accept the woman I have become. I am passionate. I am interesting. I am intelligent. I am exciting. I am sexual. I am sensual. I am creative. I am gentle. I am strong. I am sensitive. Sometimes I am weak. Sometimes I am aggressive. Sometimes I want to control. Sometimes I want to control NOTHING. Sometimes I just want to be right. Sometimes I just want to be HAPPY. In all things, I hope to experience joy and bring joy to others. I am human. I will make mistakes. I am… ME. No phony… no BS. There is so much good in me, but only a choice few will have the pleasure of knowing the real woman that lies within.

Just Because I “FEEL” It…

28 Jan

…doesn’t make it TRUE.

That is a tough statement for the average woman. Is that true for men? I don’t know. I suspect that, typically speaking, men have a tendency to react in response to their perception of the facts rather than to their feelings. Women, on the other hand, tend to react primarily based on what we are feeling.

I am learning more and more every day that I have to pay attention to what I am feeling, but evaluate and compare those feelings and thoughts with the TRUTH. I feel and think many things that are flat out lies. Lies I tell myself, lies I have been told by people who have sought to do harm, and lies gently whispered by the FATHER OF LIES. The enemy knows my weaknesses and will use every opportunity to tear me down… to steal, kill, and destroy.

In our women’s bible study tonight, one of the topics was “What has the enemy stolen from me? What has been damaged in me as a result of believing the lies?” God is amazing and always gives me new opportunities for personal growth. I am grateful for this reminder that JUST BECAUSE I FEEL IT, DOESN’T MAKE IT TRUE.

What lies have you allowed yourself to believe?

A Wonderful Day…

10 Jan

Saturday was a great day. Though it was full of different emotions ranging from sad to ecstatic, I am grateful for each of them. The following is a run down of my day:

My husband and I left the house around 11:00 am and drove to the bank and then on to Best Buy. As a result of the credit card debt we racked up last year, we had LOTS of points available to use for whatever we wanted. My husband turned those bad boys into Best Buy gift cards totaling $125.

So we arrived at Best Buy, which typically for me is not an enjoyable experience. I think there is just too much visual stimulation in that place and I usually get stressed out when I’m there. But not this time! Oh I wish I had had a video recorder of some type. We were standing in the section where the iPods and headphones are displayed. There was a teenage Asian girl testing one particular head phone brand and she was DANCING and SINGING like crazy, “Go Shorty, it’s ya birfday, we gon’ party like it’s ya birfday!” I couldn’t help but watch her. She was so freakin’ cute and absolutely oblivious to the attention she was getting. From now on, I will be taking a video recorder of some sort with me wherever I go.

Earlier in the week, we made an appointment with one of the Pastors, Randall Spindle, from Westminster Presbyterian Church for marriage counseling. We went to Randall’s office with him and sat down. For those of you that have ever been through marriage counseling, the moments leading up to the start of a counseling session are almost overwhelming… the anticipation of what will happen, what will be said.

I started things off with the truth that I had been seriously considering and planning an affair. Let’s just look right at that BIG WHITE ELEPHANT in the room. I didn’t want to ignore that, because I know that had I actually followed through with that desire, I would have destroyed my marriage.

Randall asked us what some qualities were that we fell in love with the other for in the beginning and asked us to LOOK at each other when we said it. (Why was looking so hard?) I told Philip that the number one thing that I fell I love with about him was his sense of humor and how much he made me laugh. I can remember days where my face literally hurt because I had been smiling and laughing so much after being around him. The next thing was how gentle he was with me and how he made me feel very safe. I had never really felt “safe” with a man before him. Philip told me that he liked how great of a mother I was and how compassionate I am with people and how I always want to help people, even when he doesn’t see why I would help them. Wow… that surprised me, because I thought that was something he didn’t like about me based on his past comments.

We had a few moments where we were both frustrated and moments where I was crying and he just looked irritated, but Randall was great with us. He promised to work this week to find a licensed Christian counselor for us. The best part was that we were able to walk out of Randall’s office actually touching each other. I was holding his arm, and he was responding to me. It was difficult, but it was obvious that we were both willing to do whatever we needed to do to heal our marriage. God is Good.

So, we left the church and headed to get my Gramma’s medicine in Choctaw. $170 for one month of Plavix because Medicare had wrongly canceled her coverage. I dropped off the medicine to Gramma and headed back to Guthrie to get showered and dressed for the OKC Tea Party Concert Fundraiser at the Coca Cola Events Center. I didn’t think I would make it there by 5:30, but I did get there on time and was able to help out with a few different projects during the night.

The turn out was wonderful. I met several people that I am friends with on facebook for the first time. It was great to spend time with them face to face, be able to see their expressions, hear their voice. I also met Senator Randy Brogdon and had the opportunity to introduce several people to him. I met Tiffany and John and have made plans with them to go to the campaign headquarters on Monday after work to assist with some phone calls. I am really looking forward to supporting Senator Brogdon in his campaign for Governor of Oklahoma. I would like to suggest that everyone check out his website and read where he stands on each issue and compare it to what you believe. He has a big challenge ahead of him since Mary Fallin has name recognition and more financial backing. I won one of the limited edition framed prints from the raffle last night which was kinda neat since I never win anything.

The drive home was nice. I spent the time reflecting on the spirit and excitement of the people I spent the evening with. I arrived home, ate a little dinner, caught up on facebook, and then actually slept in the bed with my husband. I have been sleeping on the couch for the last year. Some of the reasoning for that was because the bed isn’t great on my back, but also because we have just been so distant that it felt awkward to sleep together. I laid down in bed and just as I was falling to sleep, I heard my husband shouting “no, No, NO!” from his sleep. I rolled over and rubbed his back to wake him from his bad dream. He rolled to me and told me about his dream and then… ready for this? He wrapped both of his arms around me tightly and held me like it was the first time he had ever held me. I held him tightly back and we laid there forever in a tight embrace. He told me, “I love you SO much.” He said things to me that I have longed to hear from him.

Well, I won’t go into the details of the next hour, but let’s just suffice it to say that the next hour was amazing and incredibly passionate. An answered prayer for sure.

God is VERY Good.

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