Tag Archives: Self-Esteem

The Woman I Admire Most…

2 Feb

My Grandmother… Betty Jo. To me, she is simply Gramma. No matter what I have done in my life, no matter how “unacceptable” my behavior, my Gramma has always been there for me 100% of the time. I know beyond any doubt that she would do absolutely anything for me… and without hesitation.

For over 25 years, she has selflessly cared for her sister, Kathy, who was paralyzed in a car accident. My Gramma has fed her, bathed her, helped her use the toilet and cleaned her afterward, played thousands of games of YAHTZEE with her, wiped Kathy’s tears on the days when she was overwhelmed by her disability, laughed with her, cried with her, encouraged her, and loved her.

Every person that she comes into contact with that has a need that she can fill has been the recipient of whatever gift she can spare. She bakes pumpkin bread during the holidays for her mailman, sends money to friends with a need greater than her own, makes it a point to send cards on birthdays and holidays, and my favorite part of all is how she makes a point of telling me how much she loves me. Without fail, every time we are together, she tells me about how when I was born, she “just knew” that I was her guardian angel and that’s why she calls me “Angel.”

When she talks about herself, she tells about how broke down she is, how her body can’t take anymore, how she really should go on a diet because she weighs 110 pounds, how awful her hair is, how wrinkled her skin is, how she can’t read without her glasses, what new medication her multiple doctors have put her on, how tired she is, how she doesn’t know if she will quit smoking, and how I must get sick and tired of constantly “having to help” her with things that come up.

When I think about her, I think about how she has dedicated her life to being a servant to those in need, how she makes me feel very special when we are together, how she lights up when I make her a birthday card with a drawing just for her, how soft her skin is and how I wish mine was as soft, how she talks and laughs in her sleep… I think about how blessed I have been to have such a loving and generous Grandmother as a role model.

I am so grateful for all that she has taught me about life, love, and service.

A Closer Look…

2 Feb

Sometimes, I don’t even recognize the girl I think I am. I think I am different… not different than “people” just different than I was. In some ways, good… in others, it’s questionable.

Do I like the things I like because I find them worthy of my time and energy? Or is it possible that I give these things value because you do? If you are no longer a part of my life, what is left of me? Do I exist without you… without your permission?

I used to believe that I needed permission from you to breathe in and out… that without you, my existence was pointless. I was a victim. I was a volunteer hostage. I needed you to define me. I am not angry with you. I played along. I offered myself up as a human sacrifice to your games. I was a participant in the chaos. I needed to be helpless and weak.

Not anymore…

Walking the halls of my mind, I discover new and intriguing facts about myself. The woman I thought I was, is not who I am. I do not need others to define me. Other’s acceptance of me is not a prerequisite for my own self-acceptance. What you think of me is none of my business.

I crave intimacy. I don’t need it to define me, but I really enjoy being close to people. It feels good to have someone that truly knows every detail about me, the secrets I keep from the rest of the world… the good, the bad, and the ugly. … someone I don’t have to apologize to for what I think and feel… someone I don’t have to wear a mask with.

I no longer need to believe the lie that who I am and what I feel is inferior… or wrong. I no longer need to deny any of who I am. I accept the woman I have become. I am passionate. I am interesting. I am intelligent. I am exciting. I am sexual. I am sensual. I am creative. I am gentle. I am strong. I am sensitive. Sometimes I am weak. Sometimes I am aggressive. Sometimes I want to control. Sometimes I want to control NOTHING. Sometimes I just want to be right. Sometimes I just want to be HAPPY. In all things, I hope to experience joy and bring joy to others. I am human. I will make mistakes. I am… ME. No phony… no BS. There is so much good in me, but only a choice few will have the pleasure of knowing the real woman that lies within.

Just Because I “FEEL” It…

28 Jan

…doesn’t make it TRUE.

That is a tough statement for the average woman. Is that true for men? I don’t know. I suspect that, typically speaking, men have a tendency to react in response to their perception of the facts rather than to their feelings. Women, on the other hand, tend to react primarily based on what we are feeling.

I am learning more and more every day that I have to pay attention to what I am feeling, but evaluate and compare those feelings and thoughts with the TRUTH. I feel and think many things that are flat out lies. Lies I tell myself, lies I have been told by people who have sought to do harm, and lies gently whispered by the FATHER OF LIES. The enemy knows my weaknesses and will use every opportunity to tear me down… to steal, kill, and destroy.

In our women’s bible study tonight, one of the topics was “What has the enemy stolen from me? What has been damaged in me as a result of believing the lies?” God is amazing and always gives me new opportunities for personal growth. I am grateful for this reminder that JUST BECAUSE I FEEL IT, DOESN’T MAKE IT TRUE.

What lies have you allowed yourself to believe?

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